in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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