there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
