1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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