just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
