Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
