Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
