i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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