I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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