ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
