Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
