So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
