she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
