i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
