Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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