oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
