Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize