remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
