i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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