I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
