On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize