my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
3 2 1 whiskey
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
