the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
