I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
