that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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