I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
