I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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