You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
