after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
wow bdsm is so cute
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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