If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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