Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
