I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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