defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
