Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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