id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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