A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I will pee on everything he values.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
