the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
