it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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