If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
