Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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