Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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