Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
