I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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