im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize