oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
