So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
