you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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