My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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