I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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