I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
