remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
