What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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