Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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