shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
