People in love make me want to vomit
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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