he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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