Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
