Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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