hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
