The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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