i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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