I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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