So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
