Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
