If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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