Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
wrigley field is MILF paradise
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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