He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
